Before working on a new box, it helps to know what it's running. …
$ cat /etc/issue
Mandriva Linux release 2010.2 (Official) for i586
Kernel 220.127.116.11-desktop586-2mnb on a Dual-processor i686 / l
TODO: It works on my local box, but not on one of my remote hosts. Find another method more universally reliable. Extra credit for a method that works on other flavors of *nix.